All God’s Creatures.
Scripting 9/11.
All the conversations portrayed in this play are, well, speculative. They probably didn’t happen exactly as they are portrayed. However the events, references and statistics mentioned within these conversations are, surprisingly, factual.
The author asserts his rights under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work. Or something.
The Cast:
George W. Bush as President of the United States
Dick Cheney as Vice President of the United States
Colin Powell as Secretary of State.
Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defence
Dr. Condoleeza Rice as National Security Adviser
Robert Mueller as Director of the F.B.I.
George Tenet as Director of the C.I.A.
Special guest appearances: John Ashcroft, as the Attorney General.
A 12 year old boy who reads about goats.
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.Stars of 'All God's Creatures' attend a
press conference to promote their new play.
Act One.
Scene: December 12th, 2000, Washington D.C. An office in a Corridor Of Power. The yellow telephone rings.
“Yup?”
Voice on phone. (Quietly, almost a whisper).” They’ve decided.... Bush!”
He exhales a long, slow sigh of relief. “Uh -huh.”
He pauses for a few seconds tapping the phone on his chin, then, coming to a decision, replaces the phone to his ear.
“Let’s Roll!” he says.
He replaces the handset, and leans back in his very expensive leather chair. He swivels through 180 degrees, and for a long moment gazes unseeingly through the window over the Washington panorama. After a short while he swivels back to his desk, leans forward, picks up the handset of the yellow telephone and dials a local number. The phone is answered immediately.
Voice on phone: “Yes?”
“Director?” he asks.
Voice on phone: Yes, this is the Director speaking.
“ This is the Producer, Send the Scriptwriter round to my office, I have a small but important change to make..........”
Act Two.
Scene: Shortly before 9am on the morning of the 11th September, 2001. George Bush is just arriving at a school in Florida. An aide hands him a phone…
Condoleeza Rice: Mr. President, I am sorry to have to inform you that an aircraft has struck the North Tower of the World Trade Center.
George Bush: Oh my god, that’s terrible. There must have been hundreds of people on that plane, and tens of thousands killed in the building!
Condoleeza Rice: Ah, actually, ah, no, Mr. President. Surprisingly, there were only 81 passengers on board the aircraft, the plane struck the building high up, and before 9 am, so most people were below the level of the impact, the building was quite empty at that time, and so the casualties are not as high as they might have been.
George Bush: Praise the Lord for the high strike and the timing Condi! And for the more than half empty plane!
Condoleeza Rice: Quite so, Mr. President.
The scene shifts to a classroom in the school. The President is listening attentively to a young boy reading a story about a goat, when suddenly the door bursts open and a Presidential Aide hurries to the President....
Andrew Card: (whispering in the President’s ear so as not to alarm the children) Mr. President, news has just come in that a second plane has struck the South Tower of the WTC! America is under attack!
George Bush: Oh my god, that’s terrible. There must have been hundreds of people on that plane, and tens of thousands killed in the building!
Andrew Card: Ah, actually, no, Mr. President. Surprisingly, there were only 56 passengers on board the aircraft, the plane struck high up and the building was quite empty because of the earlier strike on the other tower, and as most people were below the level of the impact, the casualties are not as high as they might have been.
George Bush: Praise the Lord for the high strike and the timing Andy! And for the quarter full plane!
Andrew Card: Quite so, Mr. President.
George Bush: Now then…about these goats……….?
Secret Service Agent: (some 30 minutes later) Mr. President sir, perhaps it’s time to go. Things are pretty hot out there!
George Bush: Darn! I knew I shouldn’t have worn this woollen suit!
George Bush leaves the classroom and his presidential cavalcade meanders slowly towards Air Force One, parked at a nearby airport. Suddenly, his meditation on the subject of goats is interrupted by a phone call …
Donald Rumsfeld: Mr. President? It’s Donald.
George Bush: Hey! You guys at Disney are really something! This is a nice way to welcome me to Florida! Way to go!
Donald Rumsfeld: Rumsfeld, Mr. President. Not Duck! Ah, Mr. er, President, more bad news. I’m afraid a third plane has impacted here at the Pentagon!
George Bush: Oh my god, that’s terrible. There must have been hundreds of people on that plane, and thousands killed in the building!
Donald Rumsfeld: Yes, Mr. President! Ah, actually, that is….no, Mr. President. Ah…surprisingly, there were only 64 passengers on board the aircraft, and the plane struck …….
George Bush: (Interrupts) High up?
Donald Rumsfeld: No Mr. President, low down, actually very low down…. actually….ah….very, very low down, at the strongest part of the building, and it struck a section that is closed for renovation, so the casualties are not as high as they might have been.
George Bush: Praise the Lord for the renovations, the low strike and the near empty building Donald! And for the near empty plane! And thank God the aircraft approached from the side that was under renovation!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ah…actually, Mr. President…. it…ah…. approached from the other side, flew past my office and right round the building before turning in and impacting the empty section on the other side. Phew! That was lucky!
George Bush: (Furrows brow and looks pensive). Well Donald, I guess it must be pretty hyper there with all these aircraft impacting all over the place. You better get back to what you were doing….phone calls with NORAD, conference calls with the National Security Adviser, the military and the Secret Service, crisis meetings in the bunker under the Pentagon with the Chiefs of Staff, briefings from the FAA, that sort of thing!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ah, well actually, Mr. President, I’m standing on the lawn outside the Pentagon, giving some much needed assistance to the guys here …. The Fire Department, Police Department, Ambulances………………….
George Bush boards Air Force One, which then takes off for an unknown destination. A short while into the flight, while the President is drinking coffee and sharing his new found knowledge of goats with his companions, the Presidential satellite phone rings....
Donald Rumsfeld: Mr. President, it’s Donald.
George Bush: (tentatively) Rumsfeld?
Donald Rumsfeld: Duck, Mr. President!
George Bush: Hey! Way to go! You guys at Dis...
Donald Rumsfeld: (interrupts) It’s Donald Rumsfeld Mr. President! I mean you need to duck out of sight for a while, we’ve just had word that a fourth plane has been struck by a missile … er … crashed….. in Pennsylvania, and it’s getting kinda dangerous around these parts….
George Bush: Oh my god, that’s terrible. There must have been hundreds of people on that plane, and thousands killed on the ground!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ah… actually… ah… no, Mr. President. There were only 37 passengers on board the aircraft, and the plane came down in an empty field, so the casualties are not as high as they might have been.
George Bush: Praise the Lord for the empty field Donald! And for the near empty plane!
Donald Rumsfeld: Indeed so, Mr. President. Praise the, ah…. Lord. But Mr. President, the true spirit of America came through in this hi-jacking, and America today got herself a brand new hero!
George Bush: Hey! Five Donald! Way to go! I like heroes! ‘Specially American heroes! Who is this guy…(glances around guiltily) er….woman… er…. this person?
Donald Rumsfeld: Seems the passengers tried to take back the aircraft before the crash, and one of them was heard on his mobile phone to say ‘Let’s Roll!’ just before they attacked the hijackers.
George Bush: What a guy! What a rallying cry! You couldn’t script it, could you Donald?
Donald Rumsfeld: (Deadpan) No sir, you couldn’t.
George Bush. Donald, we’re going to find the evil people who did this terrible thing, and hunt them down like dogs!
Donald Rumsfeld: (Shifts uncomfortably, and wipes his forehead). Indeed so, Mr. President.
George Bush: Make sure that the FBI gathers every last piece of wreckage from all four sites, and conducts a full forensic investigation.
Donald Rumsfeld: Well, actually Mr. President, there …ah…is no… ah…. wreckage.
George Bush: NO WRECKAGE? How can that be? Four plane crashes and no wreckage? Impossible! We had the whole intact front end of the 747 at Lockerbie! Darn it Donald, Swissair Flight 111 crashed into the sea 60 miles off the coast of Nova Scotia and we recovered and re-constructed the whole darn plane!
Donald Rumsfeld: Well, of course I don’t mean absolutely no wreckage, Mr. President. We have a twisted piece of aluminium with some red paint on it from the Pentagon, an engine we found some miles from the crash site in Pennsylvania…and…er……(voice trails off…) some other bits that we’ve thrown in the back of a pickup…..
George Bush: (Mouth moves, but no sound comes out).
Air Force One rides on west, towards a sunset that will only happen at the end of a long, long day. The phone rings again.
Donald Rumsfeld: This is Donald.Mr. President.
George Bush: (suspiciously) What’s your other name?
Donald Rumsfeld: Rumsfeld, Mr. President, Rumsfeld. I’m sorry to have to now report to you that the twin towers and another building, WTC7, have completely collapsed as a result of the fires.
George Bush: THREE buildings? I was only told about two plane crashes at the World Trade Center! Nobody told me about THREE planes!
Donald Rumsfeld: No Mr. President, there were …. ah… only, ah…two planes. The third building, WTC 7, well, it had a kind of … small…fire. Near the 23rd floor. Near the, ah, Command Center of the Office of Emergency Management. And this small fire halfways up the building made it, well ... collapse.
George Bush: Anybody hurt in that Command Center, Donald?
Donald Rumsfeld: No, thankfully, Mr. President, everyone escaped.
George Bush: Didn’t the Secret Service have an office in that building Donald?
Donald Rumsfeld: Yes, they did Mr. President.
George Bush: Anybody hurt in that office, Donald?
Donald Rumsfeld: No, thankfully, Mr. President, everyone escaped.
George Bush: Hey, Donald, didn’t the CIA have an office in that building?
Donald Rumsfeld: Yes, they did Mr. President.
George Bush: Anybody hurt in that office, Donald?
Donald Rumsfeld: No, thankfully, Mr. President, everyone escaped.
George Bush: Look, Donald, no skyscraper in the history of the world has ever collapsed because of a fire! You’re telling me now that three have collapsed in one day – and one of them wasn’t even hit by a plane?
Donald Rumsfeld: The Lord moves in mysterious ways, sir. Oh, and ah…. Mr President…. I’ve just heard that a Brazilian was killed in the WTC…..
George Bush: (Groans, goes pale, and buries his head in his hands.) Oh my God!
Donald Rumsfeld: Hello? Hello? Are you still there Mr. President?
George Bush: (In a quavering voice) Donald……..how many in a brazillion?
Act Three.
Scene: September 12th, 2001. The Oval Office, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C. The President of the United States is gathered with his top advisers. Donald Rumsfeld is present. Colin Powell is present. Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice are present. Robert S. Mueller, recently appointed Director of the FBI is present and is standing beside George Tenet, Director of the CIA. Mr. Bush is sitting behind his desk. The others are huddled together in a tight group standing at the opposite end of the room.
George Bush: You know guys, goats are amazing creatures…..
Dick Cheney: (Interrupts) Ah, Mr. President, we need to discuss the events of yesterday.
George Bush: Yes you’re right Dick. Terrible, terrible. We’re gonna get those bastards!
Dick Cheney permits himself a smile, and exchanges some triumphant eye contact with his colleagues.
Dick Cheney: Well actually Mr. President, (glances around) we were kinda thinking of invading Afghanistan. There are clear links between the outrageous events of yesterday, and Afghanistan.
George Bush. Afghanistan? Where’s that?
Dick Cheney: It’s a country outside America, Mr. President.
George Bush: And what are these links, Dick?
Condoleeza Rice: Perhaps I can answer that, Mr. President. It goes like this. Hijackers. Muslims. Afghanistan.
The president remains silent for a few moments, nodding reflectively while he digests this information.
George Bush: (Suspiciously) Has it got oil Dick, or gas? I know how you keep going on about oil and gas!
Dick Cheney: Oil? Gas? Why no Mr. President, not a drop. I swear. Well, hardly any. Very, very little really. Almost nothing. But …. ah… come to think of it, it would make a great route for a pipeline from Turkmenistan, where there’s shiploads of the stuff, and no economic way to get it out.
Dick Cheney glances around at his colleagues for support, but they are all looking at the ground. Someone sniggers.
George Bush: Not really convinced, guys. How about I-raq? We could invade I-raq! My dad doesn’t like I-raq very much. And! And! (triumphantly) There’s Muslims in I-raq! (Then, less sure) Isn’t there?
Colin Powell: Ah, you’re getting a bit ahead of us there Mr. President, sir. Nice idea though. (Nods encouragingly at his colleagues). Nice idea.
The assembled company nods vigorously in unison.
George Bush. I-raq then. We’ll invade I-raq.
The assembled company: Afghanistan!
George Bush. I-raq!
The assembled company: Afghanistan!
George Bush. I-raq!
At this point Robert Mueller looks around at his colleagues. There is a clear message in the eye contact, and everyone goes quiet.
Robert Mueller: Hey perhaps you’re right Mr. President. My agents tell me there ain’t nuthin’ in Afghanistan but sheep an’ goats anyhow.
George Bush: (reflectively) Goats?
Act Four.
Scene: May 30, 2002. The Oval Office, this time only George Tenet of the CIA and Robert Mueller of the FBI are present seated opposite the President , who sits behind his desk toying with a soft toy in the form of a goat.
Robert Mueller: Ah, Mr President, sir?
George Bush: Amazing creatures. Must tell Laura to get some for the ranch. Hey Bob, any idea how goats get along with Texas longhorns?
Robert Mueller: (glances at George Tenet, who studiously refuses to glance back.) Mr. President sir, some people are calling for an enquiry into the events of September 11. Seems like there’s some swell of public opinion that says there were some, well, failings on the part of the FBI and the CIA.
George Bush: Public opinion? What’s that?
Robert Mueller: Fact is, Mr. President, George and I don’t see no need for no, well, investigation. Besides, ain’t nothing to investigate. Them Muslims attacked America, an’ we attacked Afghanistan right back. This conspiracy stuff that’s goin’ round ain’t no more ‘n a basketful of hot air, heated right up by them Muslims.
George Bush: Conspiracy?
Robert Mueller and George Tenet: (together) Conspiracy? No conspiracy here Mr President sir. No siree, ain’t no conspiracy here. (Look at each other, shaking their heads vigorously). No Sir. No SIR! Conspiracy? (Both laugh nervously). Why the very thought…..conspiracy!…ha ha ha…..
George Bush looks on impassively. The door opens, and Dick Cheney walks in, looking ebullient.
Dick Cheney: ‘Morning Mr. President. Good news. The contract for the pipeline through Afghanistan was signed just a few moments ago!
The door opens once more, and Condoleeza Rice walks in.
Condoleeza Rice: Good morning Mr. President.
George Bush: ‘Morning Condi.
Condoleeza Rice: Mr. President sir, we, that is, your senior advisers and I, that is, well, me and some of the boys, were thinking about your idea to invade Iraq……
George Bush: Whoa! Hold right on there, ma’am. Me and Bob and George here, we were just discussing about a public enquiry into the events of September 11th…..
Condoleeza Rice: Oh you don’t need to bother about that stuff Mr. President.
George Bush: I guess you’re right Condi. I can smell a conspiracy when I’m standing in the middle of a herd of cattle that ain’t ate nothing but black eyed peas since last thanksgiving. Ain’t no conspiracy here. Tell them there’s going to be no public inquiry so long as my name’s George H. W. Bush!
George Tenet: Mr. President sir, your name….Ouch!
Dick Cheney: (Nudges Dr. Rice with his elbow, and tilts his head discreetly in the direction of the President) What was that you were saying about Iraq, Condi?
Condoleeza Rice: I was just reminding the President about his great idea to invade Iraq.
George Bush: Are there goats in I-raq?
Act Five.
Scene: The President of the United States is on vacation at his ranch in Texas. Dressed in white cowboy boots, jeans, a checkered shirt and a gleaming white stetson, which imparts an almost halo-like glow. He is leaning on a wooden fence, gazing out over the rolling prairie at his new herd of 5,000 goats and chewing reflectively on a wheat stalk. John Ashcroft is standing beside him, holding a bible and singing ‘Let The Eagles Soar’….
George Bush: Stupid critters, ain’t they John?
John Ashcroft: But how they fly, Mr. President, how they soar!
George Bush: I ain’t talking about eagles John….
John Ashcroft: (Contrite) Oh. Goats. Sorry. Yes, Mr. President. Stupid creatures.
George Bush: And I ain’t talking about goats neither, John.
John Ashcroft looks perplexed. Then, slowly, his face clears…
John Ashcroft: Oh, you mean…..
George Bush: Yes, John.
John Ashcroft: But all God’s creatures, Mr. President. All God’s creatures….
